So it’s been a while…

Just dashing off a quick post before running out to do some errands so I can pretend I’ve done something today!

Graduation was lovely, I didn’t cry nearly as much as I thought I would, and my daughter was surrounded by love and family and friends. More on that later.

I can’t shake this sadness. It’s sitting on me.

It’s not depression. I’ve been there, done that.

No, this is a sadness that is just with me, always. Unless I am with someone. Well, even when I’m with someone sometimes.

I feel like this is related to being alone. No partner in about 7 years. Raising kids on my own. Dealing with all problems on my own. House issues on my own. Car issues…well, I think I’ve made my point.

I don’t want to put the effort into finding someone. I just want someone here. Now. That I have a great relationship with. Someone who gives me a soft place to land. Someone that I can put my head down on their chest and know that I’m safe. Not physically safe. Emotionally safe.

Those two words mean so much to me right now, it makes me cry to write them.

I think it’s time to venture out into the big, bad world of dating…but I don’t want to. I’m afraid I’m so vulnerable that I will be taken in so easily. And I’ve already been there, done that too.

I wish that there was an easy answer to this. I’m tired of this sadness sitting on me. I want it to go away.

Posted in dating, depression, Mourning, Moving On, sadness | Leave a comment

Moving Ever Closer

Ok, so for a first post, I am putting very little thought into this. Just need to unload some stuff from my heart. Here goes:

My youngest child is about to graduate high school in 5 days. 27 years of in home parenting is about to be over. And here I sit, at 47, divorced, facing this whole new chapter of my life. I thought I would be facing this with a partner, making it slightly less frightening or lonely.

And of course I want my kids to move on. That’s what you raise them to do: move out into the world. I don’t want my daughter to feel bad for doing what she’s supposed to do! I’m just going to miss her. I’m going to miss our life together. I’m going to miss her friendship (as well as her daughtership…no, I am not one of those moms who is just friends with her kids).

When you spend years doing something, years making lunches, driving kids to practices, dances, friend’s houses, reading their homework assignments, and so on, you assume it’s never going to end. Because it feels that way. But then one day it does.

My last day of making a lunch for a child at home came and went without me recognizing it. I know, it sounds so crazy that I was using that as a punch card. But I thought I had one more day, and I didn’t.

So I sit here, mourning the loss of making lunches. Mourning the loss of raising kids. Mourning the loss of a partner to face this next part of my life. Yes, there are days when I am so excited about my upcoming new chapter of my life. But today, I mourn.

Posted in empty nest, Mourning, Moving On, Parenting | Tagged , | 1 Comment